Introducing: The Curious Pillow.

Here's a list of the blogs I've started during the last few years:

• The Late-Blooming Lesbian
• The Baby Jungian
• 2 Moms, 2 Kids, and... (I actually can't remember what I called it).
• Therapy Nuggets
• When a Therapist Blogs

Notice I'm providing only one link for you to click on.  It's the only blog that I still currently upkeep.

Each time I started a new blog I'd be filled with the now-stereotypical "blogger euphoria".  I'd spend countless hours figuring out a clever title for it, as well as the right design template, colors, and fonts. Then I'd stumble through the "About Me" section, knowing I was publicly declaring that I was a late-blooming lesbian, a Baby Jungian, a mom, a therapist with nuggets to share. Then I'd post my first blog entry, and I was set! My identity as a (fill in the blank) was now solidified - there was no going back.

So I'd post something weekly, being sure to keep my entries focused on whatever I stated the blog would be discussing. Whatever "me" I promised everyone I would be. On average it'd last about a month, and then I'd lose interest in writing it. "Not enough people read it", I'd say, so it didn't feel worth my while. I only recently realized that deeper down, I was getting tired of having to jump into that elusive phonebooth and emerging with whatever identity I assigned myself for that particular blog.

I've spent most of my life trying to figure out my identity. If you aren't someone who does this then you probably won't understand what that means. If you are someone who does that, then you're feelin' me right now. I give a lot of credit to this thing called The Enneagram for helping me figure this out. It's a personality test, and I first discovered it three years ago.  My answer for which personality type I am has changed three times since then, because it took me that long to see and admit the truth of who I was. It sounds silly, because there is nothing wrong with being Type 4: The Individualist. It just means that it takes a while to get to figure out what my Basic Fear and Basic Desire is - that's how the Enneagram works, each personality type has it's own unique fear and desire.  Here's what it says for The Individualist:

• Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
• Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity) 

In an ironic twist of fate, when I finally realized this described who I am, that I sure have been trying to find myself and my significance for most of my life... I stopped trying to discover my identity.  Again, The Enneagram is meant to show us how we've been attaching too much of ourselves to our personality, which is ego based and keeps us from our Essence.  Once I realized how hard I have been trying to do this, my desire to do it melted away.

Hence this is my new blog. I wanted a place where I could write about whatever I want, without a theme or identity I needed to "keep up".  I also know that sometimes I'll be talking to myself here. Sometimes I'll have readers who remain silent. And sometimes I'll have readers who wanna chit-chat about what I wrote.  My motivation is no longer for you guys to solidify for me who I am, based on whether or not you read my blog or like my blog.  My motivation is writing. Because it's fun, because it's challening, because it's creative, because it's a desire. And my goal doesn't have to be to entertain, or educate, or inspire. I have no control over how my writing affects those who read it, because the meaning of what I write is up to ya'll. So, as Anna Nalick once said, "...'cuz these words are my diary screaming outloud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to".

I call this blog The Curious Pillow because it's arbitrary - it means nothing really. It doesn't put me in a box, it doesn't set up an expectation for what I should write about, or who my readers should be. 

I like the word pillow - if you have seen "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" listen for how Cartman says it after he's had a V-Chip placed in him. I do a good mimic of it, and of Cartman in general might I add.  Look at that image I found of him - he actually represents what I am talking about here, doesn't he!

I thought of a hundred other words to put with "pillow" and then could tell I was trying too hard, so "curious" came to me in the shower, and I remembered as well that I had heard that word many times this past Friday at my step-daughter's school, being that the latest craft getting set to explore Mars is named "Curiousity".  And Mars just moved into my "communication" sector in my astrology chart.  That's all I need, a few serendipitous hints and I'm sold!

So, I'll visit The Curious Pillow whenever I want. And I'll write about whatever I want. What a relief.