Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Please note: This post contains TMI about the blogger

I don’t want to have to poop in a bucket, but if I have to, I will.  At this point our sewage system hasn’t been working properly going on four days now.  I came home yesterday and was brought to tears to see that it had not be addressed.  I then remembered to be the Kings of Cups (tarot card theme for the month) and have emotional maturity about it.  So I got the kids to help me wash the dishes by hand, which they actually enjoyed and now they want to do it every night.  I decided I’d take the wash to a laundry mat on Friday if it turned out it still wasn’t fixed.  The shower situation is mainly taken care of by us taking them at Suzanne’s. 
As for the pee and poop situation, that’s been my biggest problem.  I already have issues with anything that goes into a toilet.  I feel like this is disturbing me on a deep level, like it’s my own personal Dante’s inferno.  I can’t poop in my own house if I need to.  That thought scares me.  I lay in bed last night and I could tell I had some that wanted to come out, but it stayed lodged in my intestines, knowing there was nowhere to go.  When I woke up this morning I couldn’t hold it, and Lauren said I should just go in the toilet, even though I wouldn’t be able to flush it!, and she’d take care of it.  I was so grateful (albeit still very grossed out). 
I realized on my drive up to the Springs that when I’ve looked into my toilet issues on a psychological and metaphoric level, it has something to do with not feeling like I have a safe place to “dump” my emotions.  I have had nightmares about having to poop and the only toilets I can find have no stalls and are completely exposed.  My therapist had a field day with that imagery.  So when Lauren said I could go ahead and poop, that “It doesn’t bother me” to have to take care of it (whatever that means, I don’t wanna know!), I realized that she is my safe place to dump my emotions.  I know it’s not healthy to have her as my only emotional outlet, and it’s opened my eyes to the fact that I do need to have others who I do that with.  But she’s the main safe place for me to do that, and I know she always will be.