Please note: This post contains TMI about the blogger

I don’t want to have to poop in a bucket, but if I have to, I will.  At this point our sewage system hasn’t been working properly going on four days now.  I came home yesterday and was brought to tears to see that it had not be addressed.  I then remembered to be the Kings of Cups (tarot card theme for the month) and have emotional maturity about it.  So I got the kids to help me wash the dishes by hand, which they actually enjoyed and now they want to do it every night.  I decided I’d take the wash to a laundry mat on Friday if it turned out it still wasn’t fixed.  The shower situation is mainly taken care of by us taking them at Suzanne’s. 

As for the pee and poop situation, that’s been my biggest problem.  I already have issues with anything that goes into a toilet.  I feel like this is disturbing me on a deep level, like it’s my own personal Dante’s inferno.  I can’t poop in my own house if I need to.  That thought scares me.  I lay in bed last night and I could tell I had some that wanted to come out, but it stayed lodged in my intestines, knowing there was nowhere to go.  When I woke up this morning I couldn’t hold it, and Lauren said I should just go in the toilet, even though I wouldn’t be able to flush it!, and she’d take care of it.  I was so grateful (albeit still very grossed out). 

I realized on my drive up to the Springs that when I’ve looked into my toilet issues on a psychological and metaphoric level, it has something to do with not feeling like I have a safe place to “dump” my emotions.  I have had nightmares about having to poop and the only toilets I can find have no stalls and are completely exposed.  My therapist had a field day with that imagery.  So when Lauren said I could go ahead and poop, that “It doesn’t bother me” to have to take care of it (whatever that means, I don’t wanna know!), I realized that she is my safe place to dump my emotions.  I know it’s not healthy to have her as my only emotional outlet, and it’s opened my eyes to the fact that I do need to have others who I do that with.  But she’s the main safe place for me to do that, and I know she always will be. 

Reflecting back on "Homosexuality: A Community Panel Discussion"

I read the following piece aloud in April of 2010 as a panel member of an evening entitled "Homosexuality: A Community Panel Discussion". It was held at Vanguard Church in Colorado Springs.  It was co-sponsored by The Independent and Focus on the Family.  One of the coolest nights of my life.  

Being in  the "spotlight" has been a secret dream of mine since I was a kid, mainly because I wanted to know that I was worth noticing (that's my Leo Moon!). As a grownup my motivation has slowly been changing, so by the time this particular evening arrived I was flabbergasted to see that hundreds of folks had shown up for this event, the media was present with reporters and cameras, and a movie theater-sized screen was set up behind the stage to project our entire FACE on it. Gulp, swallow hard, keep cool Dara...

I looked left and right at my fellow panel members. New friends and old. I knew I was safe, and in fact I was there to help them feel safe as well. I read my piece. I made the audience laugh and sigh. People came up to me that evening to thank me for sharing, for helping them understand better what it's like to be "me". To this day I'm still getting comments from strangers like "Hey, weren't you on that panel discussion at Vanguard???" 

This was the most public way I had shared my story so far. I don't know why but it seems like it's something that a lot of people want to hear, that they need to hear.  I wish I could go back in time and let Little Dara know about Vanguard Night. To let her know that what I was going through was going to help educate others about something that so badly needs to be understood.  

That night I was driving home and my wife and daughter called and said "We just saw you on TV! Cool..."  It's amazing how much one night can satisfy so many dreams and heal so many boo boos.

Jayson Graves, me, Wes Mullins.

"There are so many different ways I’ve told my story over the last five years, but there is a unique approach that has been asked of me tonight.  I feel so fortunate to have been given a chance to reflect on my story with a fresh perspective. This night has barely begun, and yet I already know that I am forever changed because of it. That’s because the theme for tonight is 'What do we have in common?' And I have been asked to discover that with people who, in general and stereotypically, I have felt guarded and uncomfortable with in the past. I have been asked to trust, and to share of myself, and to be open to what you have to share as well. I sit here with a combination of nervousness and curiosity as to what might happen when I do that. As panelist Jayson Graves said two weeks ago at a mini-version of what you will see tonight, “We are all very courageous for taking part in this”.  And I couldn’t agree more. 

"So, finding common ground... What I discovered at the aforementioned mini-meeting is that all of us on the panel just want to be happy and fulfilled – whatever that means to us personally. I believe that being truly happy comes from being one’s authentic self, and that this search for self can be a long, scary, crazy ride. For me, when I finally admitted that I was gay, it was one of the scariest moments of my life, because I knew so much was going to change. It was also one of the most beautiful moments of my life because I was finally free. Free to be myself. Have you ever had that feeling before? 

"What else do we have in common? Here’s something I have heard many Christians say who are gay and don’t want to be: “I struggle with homosexuality”. Well guess what. I too, until the age of 30, struggled with being gay. Now, I never, even for a moment, struggled with it because of God, religion, or the Bible. My God has never led me to be believe that being gay is wrong or a sin. And, I feel much sympathy towards those who were taught otherwise. I don’t claim my relationship with God is better than yours – simply different. I know for many of you this is where our commonality splits off, and I would be naïve to not acknowledge that.

"Let’s go back to that struggle as I experienced it. I struggled with being gay when I was a child because I didn’t have the awareness or the language to describe what it was that I was feeling. So although I wasn’t consciously struggling with it, I vividly remember that my attraction to girls began at the age of 8. It began with a very intense, and slightly disturbing, crush on Michelle Pfeiffer after I saw “Grease 2”. Over the next several years the crushes began to form with real-life girls.

"Why didn’t I know that being gay was something that even existed? I was an army brat living in Southern states in the 1980’s. I had no frame of reference to draw upon to help me understand what I was feeling, whereas kids who were attracted to the opposite sex had and endless supply of examples to draw from in their personal lives and in TV and movies. This, I later learned, is what led to my own Jungian experience of psychosis – in this case psychosis being “chaos in the inner world”. Nothing in my external world could help explain what was going on inside of me. I continued to push my same-sex attractions into my subconscious and tried my best to be the type of girl I thought I was supposed to be. I felt very alone, confused, and weird. This is a struggle I think more than one of you can relate to, even outside of the realm of sexual orientation.

"I was reckless my first three years of college as I continued to test out the sides of “me” that had yet to be explored. Although many of these experiences led to a greater understanding of myself, a lot of them only made things more complicated. Just when I reached the peak of my drinking and partying I met my now ex-husband when I was a junior in college. We married when I was 21 and relocated to Colorado Springs, Colorado after graduation, and I began life as an Air Force wife. And it was here, in this town, where I began to piece together the fragmented parts of myself.  It was here that I discovered there were words that could describe my inner world, suddenly making it both a miraculous and terrifying possibility. 

"I touch again upon my own personal struggle – the constant question of “Am I gay, or am I not gay?” grew louder and louder in my heart over the next 8 years. I’m oftentimes asked why I didn’t know sooner, why did I have such a hard time finally realizing, and subsequently embracing, that I was gay? Frankly I was scared. Again, I know many of you can relate to that feeling. I was scared of hurting my husband, I was scared of getting divorced and being a single mom, I was scared of the reactions of my family and friends, I was scared of a society that did not believe with complete conviction and acceptance that it was okay if I was gay. And I was scared that maybe I was wrong.

"So how did I eventually, at the age of 30, get my answer and the strength to move beyond that fear? My answer may have a lot in common with how you find your answers and strength – I got spiritual about it. I finally learned to connect with God in a way that made sense to me. My favorite imagery came from Book One of Conversations with God. Imagine a large ball of flame, as big as the sun. And from this, little candles come walking out of it with little flames on top. I learned how to get my little flame to reconnect with the big flame, my Source, and the result was self-awareness beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of.

"So here I am, five years later, and I pose the question to you again,“What do we have in common?” Let me tell you more about myself, and you decide.

"I am very much in love with my partner, Lauren, and the life we are looking forward to sharing together. I have a daughter, she is 9, and I love being her mom. I have a step-daughter, who is 9 as well, and I love looking forward to how our relationship will continue to blossom. I have five dogs, and I love them all. I love the path my career is heading in as a psychotherapist, writer, and teacher. I love American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy, and Celebrity Fit Club. I love my MacBook Pro laptop, Dazbog coffee, and microbrew beer. I don’t love it that everyone but me seems to have an iPhone, that I don’t get to work out or write as much as I’d like to, and that sometimes no one responds to my Facebook status. I’m a good listener, and I like being listened to. And I appreciate the chance to be able to do both of those tonight. Thank you."

Introducing: The Curious Pillow.

Here's a list of the blogs I've started during the last few years:

• The Late-Blooming Lesbian
• The Baby Jungian
• 2 Moms, 2 Kids, and... (I actually can't remember what I called it).
• Therapy Nuggets
• When a Therapist Blogs

Notice I'm providing only one link for you to click on.  It's the only blog that I still currently upkeep.

Each time I started a new blog I'd be filled with the now-stereotypical "blogger euphoria".  I'd spend countless hours figuring out a clever title for it, as well as the right design template, colors, and fonts. Then I'd stumble through the "About Me" section, knowing I was publicly declaring that I was a late-blooming lesbian, a Baby Jungian, a mom, a therapist with nuggets to share. Then I'd post my first blog entry, and I was set! My identity as a (fill in the blank) was now solidified - there was no going back.

So I'd post something weekly, being sure to keep my entries focused on whatever I stated the blog would be discussing. Whatever "me" I promised everyone I would be. On average it'd last about a month, and then I'd lose interest in writing it. "Not enough people read it", I'd say, so it didn't feel worth my while. I only recently realized that deeper down, I was getting tired of having to jump into that elusive phonebooth and emerging with whatever identity I assigned myself for that particular blog.

I've spent most of my life trying to figure out my identity. If you aren't someone who does this then you probably won't understand what that means. If you are someone who does that, then you're feelin' me right now. I give a lot of credit to this thing called The Enneagram for helping me figure this out. It's a personality test, and I first discovered it three years ago.  My answer for which personality type I am has changed three times since then, because it took me that long to see and admit the truth of who I was. It sounds silly, because there is nothing wrong with being Type 4: The Individualist. It just means that it takes a while to get to figure out what my Basic Fear and Basic Desire is - that's how the Enneagram works, each personality type has it's own unique fear and desire.  Here's what it says for The Individualist:

• Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
• Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity) 

In an ironic twist of fate, when I finally realized this described who I am, that I sure have been trying to find myself and my significance for most of my life... I stopped trying to discover my identity.  Again, The Enneagram is meant to show us how we've been attaching too much of ourselves to our personality, which is ego based and keeps us from our Essence.  Once I realized how hard I have been trying to do this, my desire to do it melted away.

Hence this is my new blog. I wanted a place where I could write about whatever I want, without a theme or identity I needed to "keep up".  I also know that sometimes I'll be talking to myself here. Sometimes I'll have readers who remain silent. And sometimes I'll have readers who wanna chit-chat about what I wrote.  My motivation is no longer for you guys to solidify for me who I am, based on whether or not you read my blog or like my blog.  My motivation is writing. Because it's fun, because it's challening, because it's creative, because it's a desire. And my goal doesn't have to be to entertain, or educate, or inspire. I have no control over how my writing affects those who read it, because the meaning of what I write is up to ya'll. So, as Anna Nalick once said, "...'cuz these words are my diary screaming outloud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to".

I call this blog The Curious Pillow because it's arbitrary - it means nothing really. It doesn't put me in a box, it doesn't set up an expectation for what I should write about, or who my readers should be. 

I like the word pillow - if you have seen "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" listen for how Cartman says it after he's had a V-Chip placed in him. I do a good mimic of it, and of Cartman in general might I add.  Look at that image I found of him - he actually represents what I am talking about here, doesn't he!

I thought of a hundred other words to put with "pillow" and then could tell I was trying too hard, so "curious" came to me in the shower, and I remembered as well that I had heard that word many times this past Friday at my step-daughter's school, being that the latest craft getting set to explore Mars is named "Curiousity".  And Mars just moved into my "communication" sector in my astrology chart.  That's all I need, a few serendipitous hints and I'm sold!

So, I'll visit The Curious Pillow whenever I want. And I'll write about whatever I want. What a relief.