I
don’t want to have to poop in a bucket, but if I have to, I will. At this point our sewage system hasn’t
been working properly going on four days now. I came home yesterday and was brought to tears to see that
it had not be addressed. I then
remembered to be the Kings of Cups (tarot card theme for the month) and have
emotional maturity about it. So I
got the kids to help me wash the dishes by hand, which they actually enjoyed
and now they want to do it every night.
I decided I’d take the wash to a laundry mat on Friday if it turned out
it still wasn’t fixed. The shower
situation is mainly taken care of by us taking them at Suzanne’s.
As
for the pee and poop situation, that’s been my biggest problem. I already have issues with anything
that goes into a toilet. I feel
like this is disturbing me on a deep level, like it’s my own personal Dante’s
inferno. I can’t poop in my own
house if I need to. That thought
scares me. I lay in bed last night
and I could tell I had some that wanted to come out, but it stayed lodged in my
intestines, knowing there was nowhere to go. When I woke up this morning I couldn’t hold it, and Lauren
said I should just go in the toilet, even though I wouldn’t be able to flush
it!, and she’d take care of it. I
was so grateful (albeit still very grossed out).
I
realized on my drive up to the Springs that when I’ve looked into my toilet
issues on a psychological and metaphoric level, it has something to do with not
feeling like I have a safe place to “dump” my emotions. I have had nightmares about having to
poop and the only toilets I can find have no stalls and are completely
exposed. My therapist had a field
day with that imagery. So when
Lauren said I could go ahead and poop, that “It doesn’t bother me” to have to
take care of it (whatever that means, I don’t wanna know!), I realized that she
is my safe place to dump my emotions.
I know it’s not healthy to have her as my only emotional outlet, and
it’s opened my eyes to the fact that I do need to have others who I do that
with. But she’s the main safe
place for me to do that, and I know she always will be.
